You're not the first person to sit down to write a sympathy note -- and then wonder what to say. Before you pick up a pen -- and a handwritten note is far preferable to sending an e-mail or leaving a voicemail message -- here are some time-tested tips to help make the task less intimidating.

Don't wait. Sending a sympathy card or note that lets a family know they're in your thoughts is always better than silence. It's never too late to write a condolence note.

Be as brief or as long as feels right to you. Your note need not be lengthy; the most effective expressions of sympathy are often brief. The key ingredient is sincerity.

Keep yourself out of it. Even if you haven't seen or contacted the recipient for a while, concentrate the content of your note on the matter at hand -- extending sympathy -- rather than on updating him or her about news of your life and other events.

Rely on common conventions if you don't know what to say. Wondering what to write in a sympathy card doesn't mean you need to reinvent the wheel. Phrases often used: With deepest sympathy, Our heartfelt condolences, My heart goes out to you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss. ____ will be sorely missed. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

Get personal. Use the deceased's name rather than just a description of the relationship, such as husband, mother, or brother. For example: "I'm so sorry about John's sudden death."

Avoid platitudes about death. It's common to fall back on oft-heard clichés that go beyond expressing condolences but risk offending. These include: "God is watching over Adam now" or "Katherine is in a better place at last."

Let the words come from your heart. Think about how you're truly feeling, and say it in your own words, "I can't pretend to know what you're feeling, Susan. I'm so sorry."


Source: AARP and Caring.com