My mother moved in with me in March 2005. Four years before, when I purchased my 1,600 square foot, single-story home, I did so with the thought that perhaps my mom would be joining me there at some time in the future. As an only child, it seemed inevitable that we would be “roomies” at some point.

So, when the doctor said, “I will release her from the hospital only if she comes to your house or goes to assisted living,” I thought I was prepared. My house had a nice-sized study with double doors in the front of the house that would make a great, sunny bedroom I thought. While it didn’t have a closet, I had two virtually empty closets in the bedrooms previously occupied by my daughters. And she could have her own bathroom. This would be great!

Well, it wasn’t perfect.

I was s single and in my mid-40s; mom was just shy of her 79th birthday when she moved in, sharp witted and desiring considerable social interaction. Despite all that talk about “people in Europe and Asia do this all the time,” two strong-willed, independent women aren’t really meant to reside in the same house. In retrospect we both could have done so many things differently and better; however, when she passed two years ago, I had few regrets and neither did she.

I certainly wasn’t alone in my cohabiting with my mother. It’s estimated that nearly 4 million parents live with their adult children – a 60 percent increase from 2000. Another study from the National Alliance for Caregiving and the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) estimates that one in four households are currently providing care for a friend or relative 50 years or older or have within the last 12 months.

The reasons for the uptick have been attributed to the economy – a combination of exhausted savings on the part of seniors who are living longer and adult children who may have lost their job and even their home in the downturn. Regardless, they, like me, decided it made perfect sense to combine households.

According to the experts, the key to the most successful arrangement is everyone having their own space. Cathy Chitwood, Allied Member ASID and owner of Drake Interiors, assists a number of clients in their quest to combine households … and decorating styles. “Your mother’s pieces may not be appealing to you. But this is a lot about meeting their emotional needs and surrounding them with things they love. My job is to create a consensus about those things,” she says. “The emotional aspect is tough; especially when people are downsizing and getting rid of things. Sometimes this is a little like being a therapist.”

Aside from mediating and negotiating, Chitwood will employ grid paper to help her clients visualize what the finish product will look like.  Sometimes that is just the best way to and show them visually how that works … or doesn’t work. “It’s certainly a matter empathizing with this aging parent who is an  an adult and not used to having someone tell them what to do or how to do it. They resent being treated like a five year old.”

And who would really blame them?

Recognizing the rising need and having her own similar issues with her aging parents, Noblesville resident and business leader Susan Jennings created Next Door Garage Apartments as an easy answer to a separate yet close living arrangement for parents. Temporary, modular apartment units are assembled and installed inside a standard two-car attached garage space. It's a complete garage conversion into an apartment living space, completed in less than two weeks and easily converted back to a garage later.

Carmel resident Jane Merrill and husband Bill installed one of the units nearly a decade ago for Bill’s mother. They were anticipating adding on to their Carmel home situated on eight acres when they went to visit Jenning’s model, nestled in the garage of her Noblesville home. “They went to see it with few expectations and came back saying, ‘This is great.’ It was done within a few days.” Now 91, Merrill’s mother-in-law still calls it “her castle” and the benefits, according to Jane, are numerous.

“For us, it has really worked out. She didn’t believe she needed the socialization she would have had with a nursing home. One of us stops in and says hi on a daily basis, which we would not if she wasn’t right here. And it’s wonderful when her great grandchildren come in and visit … they’ll pop in for a bit and say hi. This summer, they even helped her set up her iPad so she can look at photos from the family,” Merrill says.

Perhaps the biggest advantage for Merrill is the fact that it’s solely self-contained. “That allows everyone to have their own privacy,” she says. “It might not work for someone who needed nursing care … but I’m not sure that staying active and on her own hasn’t really extended her health.”

Helpful Tips

From the “do as I say, not as I did” file, the following reminders from Amy Goyer and AARP will ensure a bit more peace in a multi-generational household.

Prepare your home. Does your home work for all ages?  Can your house accommodate someone who might find climbing stairs a challenge or who might need a walk-in shower or a single-handle faucet?  Are you prepared to keep children safe? AARP has information to make your house safer and more comfortable for everyone.

Prepare your family. Have regular family conferences to discuss issues before they become problems. Ideally, before you move into together you should ask family members of all ages to talk about how they expect life to change, including what they want, what they are excited about, and what they fear. Be specific: If grandparents are helping with child care, how much time will they spend babysitting? What role will grandchildren play in elder-care tasks? How do family members want to handle cooking and mealtimes? It's a great way to see where friction may occur and to head it off at the pass.

Give everyone some privacy.  It’s important that grandparents, parents and grandchildren have their own places — bedrooms, maybe sitting rooms, or even corners of rooms — for favorite chairs, places to watch television, or study areas for homework. People feel more comfortable when they each have little patches of real estate to call their own.

Let older people live their own lives. Whether they are highly active and independent, or if they are being cared for, older people need to maintain a strong sense of independence. Opportunities to see friends, to continue activities they enjoy, and to have downtime, are important at any age.

Strive for consistency. Establish — and stick to — routines as mealtimes and bedtime rituals. If grandparents are living in the household, parents should also plan one-on-one time with their children and time for themselves — time to exercise and to keep up with their interests.

Facilitate loving interactions. Make sure family members have time to enjoy one another.  This is especially true when grandparents are living with grandkids. Allow the generations to develop special, shared interests that create bonds and positive memories.

Don’t get caught in the middle. Often, parents are in no-man's-land trying to please the older and younger generations.  You can’t be expected to take care of everyone if you are running on empty. Get plenty of rest, make your time a priority and get support if you need it from a caregiver support group.

Be realistic. Only so much furniture can fit in a house; people can only be expected to change so much over a lifetime; teenagers are only going to want to hang out with their grandparents so much; elders will only be able to handle a certain volume level on the stereo; there are only 24 hours in a day; and you can only be in one place at a time, no matter how much everyone needs you.

Make memories. Share stories, look at photos, research family history, and record these things in audiotape or in a video. Have fun and treasure the time. While multigenerational households may be the result of negative circumstances, they offer positive opportunities that many families will never have.

Other resources: For the financial “how to” of combining households with your parents review the Forbes article How to Set Up a Multi-Generation Household.

Article by Pat Pickett